Present Moment, Only Moment.

Being a present-moment kind of girl has never been one of my strengths.

On the positive side of things, I’m an ambitious, achievement-focused kind of person.

On the negative, I worry a lot about things that don’t need to clog up today.

Sometimes this means you’ll catch see me gazing out the window on car drives, ignoring my car mates, miles away from where I’m actually at — stewing on what should happen in the next three years.

Other times, that means sitting at Andy’s dining room table in beautiful Oregon, worrying about what next Tuesday will be like when I’m back home in Atlanta.

Both are unnecessary.

Am I right?!

Today is point A and I’m always battling the desire to know about point C. What about what’s after the next thing?

I’ll be honest though; while it’s helped me accomplish a lot, that phrase about “depressed people are living in the past and anxious people living in the future?” I’ve had my fair dealings with anxiety.

A great accomplishment over the past two years has been that — I’ve let a lot go. I’ve found balance in being in the moment and anticipating what comes next.

And a lot of that came from realizing how little control you can have in life. Realizing that sometimes the best things are unplanned.

For me that’s meant finding a new everyday life rhythm.

I’m content in my job and while I want to grow and move up the chain; my todays are focused on doing my tasks better than yesterday; learning something new every opportunity and finding ways to set myself apart.

In my personal life I’ve found a lot of peace in strengthening my faith. i don’t control the overall tide of life myself; but I can trust in the one who does. And I can have good faith that if I’m focused on today; tomorrow is going to come together.

How many times have I written about this? A lot.

The reason I write about it today is because one of the best ways to STOP worrying about the future is to acknowledge your worry. Realize that it’s pointless. Find the motivation of what’s REALLY getting to you. Make a plan, if you can, for how to absolve that. And then redirect your focus positively in the moment.ย 

And sometimes writing about it is the best way.

Being in a long-distance relationship has affected my ability to not worry about the future in polar opposite ways.

When Andy and I are together, it’s almost paralyzing how much I want to worry about fixing this long-distance 3,000 mile issue immediately. Then in other ways, it’s so much more complicated than a quick fix — that I realize i only need to focus on the way his hair smells. What his shirt feels like when I hug him. How nice it is to go to the store together. The crunch of his steps next to mine when we take a hike. How the intonation of his voice changes at different times of day. Or how when he gets really sleepy he starts twitching. Those are nice things people who see each other everyday appreciate also; but for us when we’re together–they’re intensely meaningful.

This time last year when I visited Seattle for the first time and Andy and I were embarking on our first stint apart; I experienced for the first time “present worry.” I was in the moment — experiencing Seattle and precious time with him. But I was worrying about when the present would end. Worrying about having to get on a plane and say “see you later.”

We had brought burritos up to his favorite park in Queen Anne to look out at the Space Needle and under the bench we shared was a simple plaque that said:

“Present Moment, Only Moment.”

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Maybe to you, it’s kind of a “duh.”

But in THAT moment. I thought “I’m such an idiot. I need to just look around. I need to just give him a hug. I need to just be here.”

Ever since Andy and I saw that plaque it’s been a way of living when we have these stolen days together.

It’s a mantra when I get sad thinking about missing him–and he’s sitting next to me. It’s a meditation when I’m tempted to daydream about the “what ifs.”

As a result of HAVING to stay in the moment I’ve come up with my own list of ways to control yourself when you get all worked up about controlling life:

  • Take in the five senses of right this second. What do I smell? How does that fabric feel? Have I ever seen the light fall like that? Isolate the sounds floating through the room.
  • Keep my phone tucked away as much as possible.
  • Abolish a schedule and instead focus on overall task priorities for the day.
  • Actively acknowledge a desire to think about the future or worry // and deny it. “No, we’re right here right now.”
  • Start your day with a prayer. Give away those worries at the start so that your day can stay clean. (This is my favorite.)
  • Create conversations. Mull over the best questions. Put your heart into it.
  • Distract yourself with something new happening TODAY. See something for the first time. Find a new route to take. Try a fresh recipe. Stop by that bar that always catches your eye.
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Boston, you are home for now.

Repeat to self “Boston, you are home for now.” And again. Repeat.

The perennial planner in me has watched the closure of my first year of graduate school, sees my final semester down the road and is already so tempted to try to plan for what’s next. The after Boston. The fresh job. Another move. Some change. Some shifting. Some more growing.

And I want to prepare and dream and get excited or feel in control of next January.

(HA!) Like that can happen.

And even if I could magically begin planning where I would like to move next or the exact job that I would like to apply for, even ifโ€“well, I would miss out on enjoying a whole six months of Boston.

I have loved living here and I still have so much to explore and appreciate.

That little planner inside is a hard one to squash!

So, how do I cope? I focus in on what to appreciate and love right now. My first year of school is done and this coming week I start my internship at Newton News (exciting opportunity). That means a full summer opportunity of getting myself together.

What am I hoping to work on?

The reel.

This is a duh. My internship will give me the opportunity to be on camera twice a week and produce a lot of new work. That means that at the end of the summer I should have my reel ready to go to start applying for jobs this fall.

Fall school work.

Would you believe I really want to get a head’s start this summer on my fall work? I have to turn in a thesis or “professional project” as I prefer to think of it at the end of the next semester. It will probably make my life a LOT easier if I can get some form of a head’s start. Minimum I need to have a full game plan for the fall.

Um, my fitness.

I say “um” because it’s kind of a shame. Boston and graduate school has translated to eating out and a lot of recreational drinking. 25-year-old bodies aren’t made for constant rich eating and college-style drinking. Mama needs to get back in shape! So, that means putting together a routine gym and running plan that will:
A) Get me back in shape!

B) Not re-irritate my stupid stress fracture.

But, am I right?

Cook, cook, cook.

This plays off of the fitness part.ย  A big part of the fluffier Ashley is alllll of the eating out. I mean, come on, it’s Boston. There are so many great pubs to try! But, I really want to work on cooking at home more and healthier. This is something I really enjoy and also summer should be the easiest season to get a jump start.

This all seems pretty reasonable, right?

This is likely my LAST summer “break” so I want to make it as productive as possible!ย  Now. Seriously. To stop planning….